Tuesday, 7 June 2011

How Old Am I? Am I Mad?

My frend Sheila posted a blog and inspired me to do the same.

How old am I? I don't know anymore.

Am I mad? NO!!!!!!!!

I've been seeing a psychologist for the past few months. She is amazing and is making me see myself in a new light.

One thing we are working on is my age. I mean, yes, I am 33, but I don't act my age and I certainly don't feel it. Anna is working with me to make me feel 33 again. It's slow work.

She has also helped me realise I am not mad!! At least I HOPE I am not.
And it's a new realisation. Until I met Anna I had no idea the things I am experiencing could be put down to something very simple.

You see, I see hear things that aren't there. I smell things that aren't there.

Madness?

No, they are memories!

It seems everythng I smell (the worst kind of smells possible) are flashbacks. You may not understand this, but I am relieved. I've spent a couple of years thinking my psychiatrist was keeping some horrible diagnosis from me, that I was so far mentally ill that he couldn't even tell me incase it made me worse or something.

Anyway, my psychologist has taught me some 'Grounding Techniques' to help me cope with these flashbacks. One of them is to have eucalyptus sweets and suck them when the smells come as the eucalyptus will mask the bad smells and the memories that accompany them will lessen.
I'll be buying some Halls sweets asap.

What Sheila was saying made sense, but for me, I have to delve right into my past, my childhood, to make a better future for myself.
The point of therapy is to change things now (not the past, obviously) or else I'll be stuck with the same behaviours that have led to me being this way now. Maybe even some accountability, too.

Scary.

I still don't know my proper age, though.

Lizzie.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, good stuff. I've been thinking and praying around the whole issue lately about seeing how we react to things today because of what we have experienced in the past, connecting the two, understanding ourselves, and then moving forward... If we don't deal with this 'baggage' today, we risk carrying it through to our future, reacting the same way as before... big thoughts! Jesus doesn't want us to drag baggage with us, he wants us to be free to be who he created us to be... unique individuals, special, accepted and much loved by Him. We're getting there, Lizzie! Thanks for this post! xxx

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