Tuesday, 8 November 2016

#WhereIsTheLove





The new video for the second song belowwhere is the love is more challenging than the same question asked here, because the one, about all the conflicts etc of today, the same racism and bigotry, hatred, Icould go on. But it had a special meeting for me this week as I was still in shock over my friends suicide. She's left a young kid, I feel so sorry. But my friend Cassandra phoned me up today and made me laugh, giggle to the point of tears! Oh it won't be long til we meet, and I think her lively sense of humour versus my almost dark will actually be a good blend, it already is. 
Back to the video, the old one, I believe is asking you to ask others where the live is, but the new 
one 
online (which can't be played here in uk yet) I truly believe they are asking ask to ask our own self where is the love. And that's what got to me, that I thought last week I could have somehow stopped 
her, and was I heartless for not doing more? As it turns out my friend had deleted my comment to her, and also her she was not paying attention to most people's comments. I believe (in hindsight) that she had decided that was the day to end her life.
Am I guilty for thinking she is one strong enough? Was there a chance I could have stopped her? Her last post was her saying she feels alone. 24hrs later we all found out. 
I can be a great friend to people and have long wanted to be a part of SOMETHING, but suicidal 
people crack me. The minute they start talking about their reasons to die, I go into a state of panic (on 
the inside) but hardly a word can come out of my mouth, I babble like a 2 year old and the feeling they are having I somehow take onboard and feel myself, to where I become suicdal.
Maybe I need to learn where the love is in me to help people???

 



The song above I've posted as I'm seeing life differently. Mum says I'm "getting ill again" constant ringing and pitchy noises at my ears, my inability to sleep well, projectile vomiting with no notice. But I see my mistakes at how I've lead my life, and how other lead theirs. There is a hypocracy in all of us that we are doing right at one thing and gossiping or thinking to ourselves a judgement on people when we all ALL of  us have some part of our lives need changing. There's pros sly at least one aspect of  our mind body or spirit that we lie in our own ignorance to the journey that's life. 
I know, for example a sizeable part of my foot is numb becuae I don't drink right and very often forget my insulin and diabetic pills. I must change if I'm going abroad this year!!!


Here below is the original Where Is The Love  video I urge you to see the new one on 
YouTube!! Please!!!! 








I live the lyrics in this. 





This is one song I forced myself to listen to all this time to help me make sense of death, love , and what we should all be told during grief and mortality and what you should do: love.



For Cassandra my bestie!!! Xxx









Thursday, 3 November 2016

How to save a life?



"And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life".

Just now, I've discovered one of my friends on Facebook killed herself.
Just this morning I was trying to get across to her how loved she is and how things would get better.
Well, they didn't. Maybe because she couldn't  wait to get out of the hell she was feeling for months. 
What I know is, she had been posting sad comments about how she wants to die "go off the grid" she wrote this morning.  I am so upset that me, someone who knows the signs of depression that 
consumes you, I didn't do more never even thought about consuming darkness you feel surrounding you. I'm thinking should I have reported her posts to Facebook, let them be aware she is ill, then I think they let so much sickness on their site like happy slapping etc.
I'm overwhelmed, and scared for her soul. I feel even that I was a part of this tragic ending because I DID NOTHING UNTIL TODAY!!!
You were a beautiful lady, very intelligent and you did what I tried hundreds of times but up you "succeeded".

Or did you.

Please people think carefully about what people say or write, even if you think your instinct is that 
that person is manipulative, or an attention seeker. I wasn't, my friends were not, and you, you lovely lady who made something too deep inside to deal with any longer, I pray God ypu will be in heaven. 
I couldn't save her life. Mum,for the next few days will be praying my grief doesn't push me back. But I don't care about me, I care about those alive who wish they were dead. YOU ARE LOVED. 
Our hearts think of everyone right now. 
Oh Lord, if I could help people successfully that they found You. 
Please give people hope.





I know this will be hard to read , but this song is for my friend, the last song at my funeral, too. As I am not too well again, this has (probably selfishly, I'm aware) brought up my own feelings of my own suicide, as I have thought of it before 10years of age.

Well, God bless you, my friend, you will always be missed xxx












Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The Dulling (Suspended In Gaffa)


The Dulling. 
For  a long time now I haven't blogged. At first I was sure it was because of the excitement of the plans to better myself. But quickly, and I hate to be honest about this as I felt I had turned a corner, my happy mediums have even gone. I'm lucky if I can laugh once a day, and if I do, it's because my mum has told me she loves me ( and I say it back with as much love, as I think she is making a point of saying this every single day to make me feel better, but more than that, to help me mentally, though she would never say that to my face), other times it's when Cassandra and I are chatting away,  making plans that I pray come true. Or maybe it's a post or a meme on Facebook that brings a smile to me by loving friends. 
Today I went for another tooth extraction. Painful now, for sure! And I can't speak properly as my tongue is still numb, so excuse me if I don't answer a call today. My friend Pauline came to support me, it was lovely though I was not aware of the extent of her fear of dentists and I feel sad I put her 
through it having to wait in the waiting room. 


But I'm even not texting anymore, I haven't emailed in ages and lost the email address of the lovely lady for Essex Knitters and I need to mention something to her. 
I'm getting spammed to heck I'm sure from a spiteful lady. Last week or the week before I started getting the worst anxiety attacks of my life, hands, arms, head, mouth and tongue all tingly and my heart sometimes still feels like I need to be rushed to hospital. 
But like I said the worst bit is the dullness of my good positive emotions. I feel I would like to come off my meds and see if that makes me better, because if I'm not staying awake until 8am I'm asleep more than awake every day. Sometimes I've slept over 24 hours. I seem to need to sleep all the time or at least every 3 hours and sometimes I'm taking all my nights pills by 7.30pm. 
This video, the lyrics, remind me of the kind of purgatory I feel stuck in:











I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I really do think "it" has gone wrong yet again. This black cloud, all surrounding me and stopping me from doing anything. I can't cook, find that I need motivation which I have little of, to the point I will sleep through dinner time then take my pills and miss meals.
Even texting isn't interesting me anymore. I see no point in texting friends as I can't open up to them personally about what I now feel is a weakness in me. So, if I'm not posting here for a while, you could (if it's decent) comment here or inbox me on FB page. Here's another song that I "feel"




But if there's anything positive it's this song that keeps me going each day so far:





God bless, all. Love Lizzie xxx




Saturday, 27 August 2016

The death of Cinders



The death of Cinderella 

I'm wise and ambitious
And  angry and free
And smart and available
And sexy...

And soft and appealing
And wearing pyjamas 
And twisted and willing
And crazy...

and this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to throw her on the floor....


And thought provoking and opinionated
Cultured and funny
And experienced
Fearless and tender
Sweetly unhibited
Likes a good debate....

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's you could do not to tie her to the bed


I could fall in love I million times before I die
You could draw me a bubble bath
We could walk into the sunset...

And this the story of the death of Cinderella
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to shake her shoulders

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 

I'm gonna grow to be a maid because I'll never find a fella that will please me. 

And it's all you can do not to kick me in the arse.


Life has been strange for me recently. I'm going to meet my best friend Cassandra i
At Christmas/New Year. Will be my first time away from my Mum since a 3 day trip at a high school in Northern Ireland. This is going to be huge, but to meet my best friend will be fab. Little, my other best friend hasn't been week for so many weeks, I've noticed because she was shying away from the Internet, so I haven't been able to see her this year, but I dream I will in the new year....I won't care how cold it is, Lottie!!! Friends and strangers love can make you feel warm. 
I've had to stop knitting as I need to save up my money, I haven't gotten round to counting them all as I need to Rex the ends of each but I have a few full black bin bags in the bedroom being annoying lol. I feel proud that people have taken to theri hearts , the homeless people's pligh this winter. Some 'Man' an es xflatefmage from Trinity House who's a total drunk and drinks in rehabs, he said gto me oh my HH Faceboom page not to give anything to the homes "if we want something we'll ask for it". It took me aback and did hurt. I've never hanged to "push" anything on anyone. I don't ram my religion down people's throats because I think we are all friends to be what we want and believe what we want. Obvs no terrorism lol. But seriously, there's been a bit of a movement, people have donated wool, total strangers helping me out, there are two people knitting as I type, one is Stephane (I WILL get back to you but you will understand why I'm not talking right now) The other lady is wonderful fun beautiful neighbour Jackie (Jacqui?) thank you so much for your most  equatorial intricate scarves! !! THANK YOU!! I'll be putting pics up soon! You are amazing at it and people will so much them wrapped around them. 
Anyway the reason wmy I'm not going out or chatting on phone etc is because I'm a bit low. I was eating a damned meerkat gummy beat and it snapped my front tooth off!! 
See, this is what you get for.not going to the dentists in 2 years. I need dentures 😷😷😷
So next Friday some of my teeth will be pulled and dentures put on. Not looking forward to it. And although I hate going to the dentist, my dentist is a v genuine mice man. Amd the clinic itself is just wonderful and the staff are so lovely they even remembered my name after 2 years!!! 
I'm very lucky to be a client to what I believe to be the best surgery here. Well, at least I'll look nice for America! 
Can anyone tell me what's allowed or more to the point what's not allowed in luggage and hand luggage? And can you use your iPhone and iPad when on plane? I may be a selfie queen. Again!! 
So how are you alll? Hope you're all ok, here  for you no matter what, ok? 
Let me know how you're doing, lotsa love, Lizzie xxx













Go on, laugh!!!
I give you permission lol.
And pyjamas here's me and Cassandra in America this Christmas!



And a photo of my blind boy xx
Love you all, and hoe are you all doing???




Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Desperado to Wild Child...Thank YOU!!




Thank you.

There are so many parts that I have hidden and didn't get lost
There are so many ways that I have cut off my nose to spite my face
There are so many colours that I still try to hide while I paint
And there are so many tunes that I secretly sing away

But come along
I invite these part-time writers
Hello, this invitation
Is one that I’ve stopped fighting



Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely 
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy
this intimacy.

There were so many times I thought I'd die not being truly known
There have been so many moments forever lonely in my location


You come along to celebrate each feeling
And there you are, all honoured and inviting.

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, your empathy
This intimacy


There was a day where the trust that was being asked of me
Required too much, except your generosity
To love myself enough
To let you help me


Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy,
this intimacy





I'd like to thank my friends, especially my bestie Cassanda and my bestie Charlotte. But all of you,
you take me as I am, don't wish to change me (except maybe for the better) and you guide me. I'm in
awe of all of you. How someone like me, mistrusting yet caring, I've turned around hugely due to your love and support, your want to actually read what can be heart wrenching, or as carefree as anything.



I've asked my friend Cassandra if I can visit her in America over Christmas and New Year...she said yes!!! I'm so happy like a seven year old getting an ice cream on a hot day. That my life is changing and for the better.

I'm a better person because of everyone who supports me,  when I get a smile from a stranger as I'm
in town it brightens my day, so I try to do that to everyone too. You're all probably yet to see my goofy side, my brother will tell you I'm a geek. The reason I've been away is I was to,d my lithium test showed too little lithium, so they've added extra and I think that's what's been making me so
sleepy.




But I'm happy now, I'm no longer the desperado, I'm the Wild Child that Enya sang about.
So I've included the videos below, love and thanks go to ALL of you!!!

Love, Lizzie xxx

Ps last song, if it works was a fave of mine in the 80's