Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The Dulling (Suspended In Gaffa)

The Dulling. 
For  a long time now I haven't blogged. At first I was sure it was because of the excitement of the plans to better myself. But quickly, and I hate to be honest about this as I felt I had turned a corner, my happy mediums have even gone. I'm lucky if I can laugh once a day, and if I do, it's because my mum has told me she loves me ( and I say it back with as much love, as I think she is making a point of saying this every single day to make me feel better, but more than that, to help me mentally, though she would never say that to my face), other times it's when Cassandra and I are chatting away,  making plans that I pray come true. Or maybe it's a post or a meme on Facebook that brings a smile to me by loving friends. 
Today I went for another tooth extraction. Painful now, for sure! And I can't speak properly as my tongue is still numb, so excuse me if I don't answer a call today. My friend Pauline came to support me, it was lovely though I was not aware of the extent of her fear of dentists and I feel sad I put her 
through it having to wait in the waiting room. 

But I'm even not texting anymore, I haven't emailed in ages and lost the email address of the lovely lady for Essex Knitters and I need to mention something to her. 
I'm getting spammed to heck I'm sure from a spiteful lady. Last week or the week before I started getting the worst anxiety attacks of my life, hands, arms, head, mouth and tongue all tingly and my heart sometimes still feels like I need to be rushed to hospital. 
But like I said the worst bit is the dullness of my good positive emotions. I feel I would like to come off my meds and see if that makes me better, because if I'm not staying awake until 8am I'm asleep more than awake every day. Sometimes I've slept over 24 hours. I seem to need to sleep all the time or at least every 3 hours and sometimes I'm taking all my nights pills by 7.30pm. 
This video, the lyrics, remind me of the kind of purgatory I feel stuck in:

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I really do think "it" has gone wrong yet again. This black cloud, all surrounding me and stopping me from doing anything. I can't cook, find that I need motivation which I have little of, to the point I will sleep through dinner time then take my pills and miss meals.
Even texting isn't interesting me anymore. I see no point in texting friends as I can't open up to them personally about what I now feel is a weakness in me. So, if I'm not posting here for a while, you could (if it's decent) comment here or inbox me on FB page. Here's another song that I "feel"

But if there's anything positive it's this song that keeps me going each day so far:

God bless, all. Love Lizzie xxx

Saturday, 27 August 2016

The death of Cinders

The death of Cinderella 

I'm wise and ambitious
And  angry and free
And smart and available
And sexy...

And soft and appealing
And wearing pyjamas 
And twisted and willing
And crazy...

and this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to throw her on the floor....

And thought provoking and opinionated
Cultured and funny
And experienced
Fearless and tender
Sweetly unhibited
Likes a good debate....

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's you could do not to tie her to the bed

I could fall in love I million times before I die
You could draw me a bubble bath
We could walk into the sunset...

And this the story of the death of Cinderella
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to shake her shoulders

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 

I'm gonna grow to be a maid because I'll never find a fella that will please me. 

And it's all you can do not to kick me in the arse.

Life has been strange for me recently. I'm going to meet my best friend Cassandra i
At Christmas/New Year. Will be my first time away from my Mum since a 3 day trip at a high school in Northern Ireland. This is going to be huge, but to meet my best friend will be fab. Little, my other best friend hasn't been week for so many weeks, I've noticed because she was shying away from the Internet, so I haven't been able to see her this year, but I dream I will in the new year....I won't care how cold it is, Lottie!!! Friends and strangers love can make you feel warm. 
I've had to stop knitting as I need to save up my money, I haven't gotten round to counting them all as I need to Rex the ends of each but I have a few full black bin bags in the bedroom being annoying lol. I feel proud that people have taken to theri hearts , the homeless people's pligh this winter. Some 'Man' an es xflatefmage from Trinity House who's a total drunk and drinks in rehabs, he said gto me oh my HH Faceboom page not to give anything to the homes "if we want something we'll ask for it". It took me aback and did hurt. I've never hanged to "push" anything on anyone. I don't ram my religion down people's throats because I think we are all friends to be what we want and believe what we want. Obvs no terrorism lol. But seriously, there's been a bit of a movement, people have donated wool, total strangers helping me out, there are two people knitting as I type, one is Stephane (I WILL get back to you but you will understand why I'm not talking right now) The other lady is wonderful fun beautiful neighbour Jackie (Jacqui?) thank you so much for your most  equatorial intricate scarves! !! THANK YOU!! I'll be putting pics up soon! You are amazing at it and people will so much them wrapped around them. 
Anyway the reason wmy I'm not going out or chatting on phone etc is because I'm a bit low. I was eating a damned meerkat gummy beat and it snapped my front tooth off!! 
See, this is what you get for.not going to the dentists in 2 years. I need dentures 😷😷😷
So next Friday some of my teeth will be pulled and dentures put on. Not looking forward to it. And although I hate going to the dentist, my dentist is a v genuine mice man. Amd the clinic itself is just wonderful and the staff are so lovely they even remembered my name after 2 years!!! 
I'm very lucky to be a client to what I believe to be the best surgery here. Well, at least I'll look nice for America! 
Can anyone tell me what's allowed or more to the point what's not allowed in luggage and hand luggage? And can you use your iPhone and iPad when on plane? I may be a selfie queen. Again!! 
So how are you alll? Hope you're all ok, here  for you no matter what, ok? 
Let me know how you're doing, lotsa love, Lizzie xxx

Go on, laugh!!!
I give you permission lol.
And pyjamas here's me and Cassandra in America this Christmas!

And a photo of my blind boy xx
Love you all, and hoe are you all doing???

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Desperado to Wild Child...Thank YOU!!

Thank you.

There are so many parts that I have hidden and didn't get lost
There are so many ways that I have cut off my nose to spite my face
There are so many colours that I still try to hide while I paint
And there are so many tunes that I secretly sing away

But come along
I invite these part-time writers
Hello, this invitation
Is one that I’ve stopped fighting

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely 
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy
this intimacy.

There were so many times I thought I'd die not being truly known
There have been so many moments forever lonely in my location

You come along to celebrate each feeling
And there you are, all honoured and inviting.

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, your empathy
This intimacy

There was a day where the trust that was being asked of me
Required too much, except your generosity
To love myself enough
To let you help me

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy,
this intimacy

I'd like to thank my friends, especially my bestie Cassanda and my bestie Charlotte. But all of you,
you take me as I am, don't wish to change me (except maybe for the better) and you guide me. I'm in
awe of all of you. How someone like me, mistrusting yet caring, I've turned around hugely due to your love and support, your want to actually read what can be heart wrenching, or as carefree as anything.

I've asked my friend Cassandra if I can visit her in America over Christmas and New Year...she said yes!!! I'm so happy like a seven year old getting an ice cream on a hot day. That my life is changing and for the better.

I'm a better person because of everyone who supports me,  when I get a smile from a stranger as I'm
in town it brightens my day, so I try to do that to everyone too. You're all probably yet to see my goofy side, my brother will tell you I'm a geek. The reason I've been away is I was to,d my lithium test showed too little lithium, so they've added extra and I think that's what's been making me so

But I'm happy now, I'm no longer the desperado, I'm the Wild Child that Enya sang about.
So I've included the videos below, love and thanks go to ALL of you!!!

Love, Lizzie xxx

Ps last song, if it works was a fave of mine in the 80's

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Perfect fireworks

We are! Maybe sometimes we don't see it, and when those times occur we feel worthless, maybe store up pills or cut, whatever we do, life is hard at times but can be beautiful, too. We need to find in ourselves (a lot of times with the help of professionals and p/close friends who, when we are not
closed down, can help us tremendously.
Yesterday, I was discharged from the HTT and handed back to the care of my care coordinator or cpn 
as I refer to her. It was a great meeting. The man that came with Jackie, I have no recollection of but I 
had met him before, I don't know where, but it's safe to say I wasn't in my right mind then. 
They said to see me from where I was before my od to where I am now "is brilliant"!!! I felt great
hearing that, and bows the time to fully acknowledge the help of the HTT. They would come out daily for what seemed a long time, the first few meetings I don't remember. Or not very well, then a psychiatrist came and gave me a choice on what two meds I could take instead of Olanzapine and Trazadone . I chose Duloxotine and Quetiapine, not that I really knew what it all meant, but they have helped greatly. The whole team did. I feel ready for what's ahead, I'll be seeing a GP soon to get a gym pass, and I will be looking to join groups, hopefully the WI next month! Yes! Laugh all you want about these things but I need and want them, 
I believe this is the first time in years where thoughts of suicide hasn't popped into my head, no longer am I having days or weeks or months of it, not even a split second, bar the thought sof how I no longer want to commit suicide. 
You can feel this way too, I'm not bouncing with happiness or down as low as you can go anymore. I see a future, I don't know what it holds, but at least I know the choice to live is better and so can you
if you don't feel it now. Are you under the care of the mental health system? Have you thought of being referred? Maybe it's time you do, because miracles do happen. You may think it's a miracle but

for me it was God, the HTT, my CPN for realising I needed big help yet knowing The Lakes wouldn't have be conducive, the meds, my friends. 
Now the gym and meeting people will be another start to the new me I was always meant to be. I add a few songs, some have simple lyrics but the messages are clear, we can let our colours burts and we are not less than perfect. The other song, is not about burning down houses or any relationship, other than the relationship I had with myself, and getting rid of it, burning it down.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Your first warden

Saturday was great, I saw two Home Treatment Team people who are just wonderful. They listened as usual but we had such a good chat that we laughed a lot and they made me feel more positive than ever. You see on Monday, the HTT hand me back to my CPN, as they say I'm doing so well.
Obviously I knew having daily then almost daily meetings with the team would come to an end, and it's quite right it happens. I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm happy and those precious meetings with HTT have helped me so much. 
i can only compare what I was going through those months before my od and home treatment as to what goes on in the video below. I hasten to add it's the past, and the one phrase "this is my dream" is important. The word dream. 

Like I said, my dream. Because although I know it was reality, my isolating life lead to it, and I know since I've talked things through and the new meds, Duloxetine and Quetiapine there has been harmony.
I also put this down to Cassandra and I finding each other, we chatted today and it felt just wonderful, she's not going through a good time right now, but can still laugh. Just how I want to be, when the chips are down, carry on carrying on.

I see us as not only being great friends but we can rely on each other unlike other people, a strong bond with our experiences in isolating ourselves, our dreams to meet each other and remain besties for life.
I add this song for Cassandra when she is feeling low. As we both have our faith and I do believe in guardian angels , so the other song is for the both of us, too.

That song means a lot to me.

While I'm typing I might as well advertise my new Facebook page,  It's the only page approved by Joyce. 
Remember, she has no social media account and will create one when she feels ready.
Anyone claiming to be Joyce on Twitter of Facebook or Google are deceiving people for their own gain. Feel free to join if you agree that she is innocent, and please remember, no other site, profile or group is wanted by Joyce McKinney apart from this one. Hope you join ! 

Hope you all have a lovely day, I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes with being discharged fro HTT and meeting my CPN again.
Love to you all, 
Lizzie xxx