Sunday, 25 June 2017

Strawberry Fields Way Over Yonder

Hi, this is a long post, mainly full of words as purring to many songs up here doesn't work so well.
Firstly a big thank you to everyone, all of you who wrote such lovely messages and comments when I revealed my new diagnosis. THANK YOU!!!
Yes, it is a shameful diagnosis, but it explains why, when people are in front of me talking, I try to lip read. I can't say I'm proficient at it yet, but it has helped me for years to try to make sure what people are saying to me is what I am hearing. I think I've done this since I was a wee girl. Now I know why if people are talking behind my back, or to where I can't see their mouths, I can often hear bad
comments and always wondered why. Why nice to my face yet bad comments as I pass or by text (yes I even mistrust texts and that's my favourite communication). Every since Joyce (which is documented as real, btw) my suspicion and I arrive home, my suspicion became even....louder?  I won't lie to my friends, I'm still confused, embarressed, ashamed, and thankfully only people who I can tell are altruistic help me. I'm hiding from Facebook family for the moment simply because I couldn't bear to have myself think something bad has been said , by me or others, that may be seen as offensive, unless I begin to discuss One Direction!!
I kept saying to myself before the ambulance came to admit me, that I was going to somewhere where I would somehow fit in, or at least be left alone. It wasn't to be but there's a line in the song " human kindness is all around me and I think it's gonna rain today". Sure enough the human kindness came from the nurses, the rain in the song is meant to be negative and it was a negative armospgere in  there, so solid us suits me fine in untrustworthy environments. But one night it poured down and I 
couldn't tell feel a drop. The sings of glory that implore me, that's church where I should be. 

I hope.

That brings me to the hospital, it was ok but I'd already made up my mind to make to friends there. Why should I, they were ill , I was/am ill, I really wanted to be alone except fo some of the wonderful nurses, who, I've no idea how some put up with me. Some didn't. But that's ok, because (is it a PPD thing?) if someone doesn't like me I hate them x1million..
I'm hoping to learn about Paranoia. Have I had all or most or my life? Maybe that that would explain 
my deep mistrust of people, which I can usually decide within 5seconds of meeting someone. 

It's a fault of mine, I know.

I guess it Joyce taught me anything, it's to be careful who to trust. And if you don't trust, hate. But I 
want to stop the hate. 
But I've been trying to change, despite the doctors surguys bug fuck ups with my meds leading to 
lithium toxicity.  Apparently the psychs will decide quick what I need in replacement, do you, reader,
 every feel like you're only existing because they make you take these? Do you, reader and dispenser of pills to the mentally ill see how tedious and sometimes un effective they can be due to the many combininations and tailoring needed that can also take time?
There's a song I listened to constantly, and since prissy Yoko has taken the whole damn discography off YouTube, here's an OK version .

I know this is open to interpretation and for me the whole song I understand. I'm not subscribing to the whole tree being high or low meaning genius/insanity. Me, it's IM either too high or too low. But that I don't care. And tuning in doesn't not mean by radio! It's what the nurses did with me, tuned into me, and saw what was wrong. I could swear blind this or that lady said this horrid remark about me but they are trained to know when someone really hears what's not there. And my friends, here and online, you usually K KW when something is up even when I don't. THATS Tuning in. it takes an empathetic person to have this gift.

But I'm going to put up a few vids here of songs about not just me always, but how I see things, how others are, and songs that just saw me through the week. Not all bad at all! Just honest or pure fun.

But  I come back to a block on fire, and what a tragedy.
I have to put this up, it kind of explains society today in places in London and all over.

Hope Street.
There's a young boy in the queue 
There's not much else here for him to do
He's had a drink he's had a few 
Down the pub on Hope Street.

Dear old lady you're looking thin
Got a shopping bag with your life in
Your old mans going through the bins
And so it goes on Hope Street.

There's a fight right down the street
The betting shop has got him beat
Blew his money for the week 
On a horse named Hope Street.

Everyday I look at you,
Dressed up in your ties of blue
Saying there's not much you can do
To help the kids of Hope Street

They don't even seem to care
That it was you that put them there
You seem to think they like it there
Hanging out it Hope Street

Rain on me come pouring down
Clean the dirt off this old town
Tell the sun to come around
Show his face on Hope Street.

For those of us suicidal, wanting to give up
(Read up on the story of this special song)

Don't give in - swim.

The defiant explicit dong for me.
It goes from sad to spiteful to repentant to explicit, to defiant.

You are the good things. And your ship is coming in.

The Beauty Of Speed
We climbed through the canopy only to find a crack in the gauge . The last thin, the look I gave. And then we stumbled out of control.
I tried to strike a deal with the universe, me and my deals with the universe...
Smacked upside the head with the harsh of daylight.
So simple last evening - the beauty of speed.
Afraid we've been changing in a way I wasn't loving.
Feel the colours changing the beauty of speed.
I'm coming back for more,out of a black and white world.
The beauty of speed.
Your last barrier.

For my sister, we will be in contact soon I miss you loads
Please be ok.

A song for my grandad and I. We listened to this on repeat!
Love Aussies!!!!

Father I killed my monkey
I let it out to taste the sweet of Spring
Wonder if I will wonder out
Test my tether to soo if I'm still free from you.

Lately I'm into circuitry
What it means to be made of you but not enough for you
And I wonder if you could bilocate
Is that what I taste, your supernova juice
You know it's true, I'm part of you

Steady as it comes right down to you
I've seen it all
So maybe we're a bliss of another kind
So maybe you're a four horse engine with a power drive
Take it with your terracide
We're a bliss if another kind.

How I am sometimes, I sabotage myself.

I Use The Bird.


I was not in a padded cell!

I now intend to hope against hope.

We do.... All of us. I did in hospital. A bitter pill to swallow but , in general, we all need to learn.
What we need to learn is different for each individual. 
This version is the album version so better lyrics.

I watched The First Wives Club.
At first it's all about our friends getting together and deciding to get revenge against the their men who have done them all wrong. In fact, most of this comedy is about this and their very good antics.
But what I love, is by the end they use the revenge for good, instead. They remember their old friend who committed suicide and set up a cause to help women in need.
Great way to end the movie, have them sing a fab song where they are finally feeling good about the good they have created out of sadness and anger.
I love everyone whose kind words have floored me, in a good way.
You are the ones wonderful, I'm just trying to get by and be one of you or all different parts of each of you.
Don't forget you're shining stars and I see each one of you.

And to mum, thanks for taking my shit and loving me more each day, you are the brightest star of them all.
Love Lizzie xxx

Monday, 15 May 2017

The Sun Does Rise in the Eastern Sky

Well, I wasn't happy much before. A combination of sleep deprivation and then seeing that even more people know the madness occurring (my good friends know the situation and support me, too).  I've thought to myself about others in the world who don't know real love or kindness, so they become bitter and wanting to start all sorts so they can, I don't know, be The Piper or Baba or something else to make them feel they have importance. I used to hate such people, but really, how can I if they  
allow they're own spite to affect even their own lives and the people unfortunate enough to be their 
targets. I know I won't be the first person to say if they had not let darkness and animosity grow inside them they would be calm, and not obsessive, and more obsessive in their group packs mentality. 
And I speak for myself here, too. Satan would try to find any way to sneak into people's minds and make them who they were not. I think it was maybe over two years ago I was put on lithium and that has changed most of my life! I still become suicidal but like a small ng says "you and I both know they wouldn't mind if I curled up and died", so the answer to that is to live. 
People, screw them! You are you, you are not nasty or cruel or doing the weirdest things to ruin lives. You have mental health issues, and that, to me, means if you can get the right medication and therapy your life will improve and give you the strength to remember you are better than anyone who tries to hurt you.  Their opinions do not count!


Says it all.

The songs above are my favourites at the moment! Yes , I'm becoming a Bette Midler music fan!!!

And lastly is a song that brings me hope, I loved it when it was released, I love it now!!

God bless all my friends here! XxxxX

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 6

So life feels better now. I know it all sounds cliché but if you have never know the bad, the good wouldn't mean anything.
I do pray I can be allowed to have this bipolar label off me. Because I believe again that God STILL performs miracles, I hope this is one He will perform, too.
But, if not, these highs and lows might continue, but I don't feel alone.
I feel as though this was quietly put in my ear to remind me I have friends who have always seen my good true colours. I'm not a monster, never was. My life choices and all these circumstances do effect you. I take things to heart, I can be all negative things, but now to reveal to everyone whose never seen them, are the positives! More of them I hope you will see in the future.

And I wonder now, what I would have thought had I looked out the windows of the planes and saw more than clouds. Would I have felt scared? No, I'm certain I would have felt very small ((possibly worried about turbulence, too lol) and wondering what those below are doing, in their homes or traffic jams, praying? When you're up there now days you do wonder about terrorism there in the skies and below. But what we should all think of is below. Again...the Bette Midler version!

So corny it's in me teeth! But I can't fault Bette, I'd loved her since Beaches. PLEASE by the way can someone tell me she won the chart war against Cliff Richard with this!!!!

So thanks to God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit

And this song is how I feel and how it is. 

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 5

The next bit you all know. 
I won't delve into any detail about it because I want the whole memory of that time gone, whoosh, outta here. It will be soon, I know it.

That's how I felt those days.

But of course there was help, firsty by God, who kept my body and mind strong without my meds.
There was Mum, there was Alison, M, P, and my sis and some of those on my friends list I will not mention here. And of course the lovely lady from the British Embassy who got them to pay for a Christmas Eve flight so I arrived home in the morning.

At first the genuine release of gratitude occurred, then the darkness as I had to explain every week to my CPN the things that happened.
But on my birthday, I downloaded a song I hadn't heard in ages, I bought the Bette Midler version and the Elaine Paige version!
I was jaded before, almost like venomous poison ran through my veins, then to have a fantastic celebration where I felt nothing but positivity and love, and hear this song, it was like a Revelation,
So I put this song up for these people: my Mum, who has seen my pain and my tears more times than she deserved yet never once shouted at me, gave hugs and love, Alison for doing more than your best to help me even though I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and I was too proud to let you see the physical state I was in, how I wish we could still pray together, P for calling and I could feel the pain you felt for me, and I love you. You love me and I often asked why. M for giving me help and calling
me, too. You had the foresight from God (and the Internet!) to know it was all going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go but you thought I would have even if you told me. Bless you. My sis who was so worried. I love you and the furbabies so much! There are others, again I won't put their names up here, but thank you,one includes a singer!
This is the song

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 4

So a funny thing happened one night. I went into town to drink (I don't drink now) and I went everywhere. Then I thought I'd go into the offy and buy some cheap wine. After a queue w young lady was serving me, she took me to one side and said she will sell them, but had I heard of Jesus Christ. I said yes but I don't know what to do. She asked in front of the whole bunch of people and her managers if she could pray for me. I was stunned. I felt she must think I'm actually worthy. She did as she touched me and said her prayer for me out loud. 
This was the beginning. Although not at once, but soon.
We moved to England and even though I wants to be normal I knew I wasn't.
My cutting was alsways superficial, but after a while some were not. I felt peace when I did it.
I know I was raged, and as I don't take deep things out on people, I punished myself. I would be a good girl an wrap my arm and legs up and I would put salt water on my tummy.
This song describes these as "pink ribbon scars" and they are when you feel it, but I regret the damage I caused myself as one arm is very noticeable. But after you've stopped the deep scars are shame to you. However I see them as a memorial to my past.

So of course hospitalisation . Many times.

Eventually we unexpectedly reconnected with our cousin Raymond who put me in touch with a local minister called Alison, she is an amazing friend and I miss her. But she baptised me and I'll never forget.
Of course I'm still "unwell" but I start to feel a light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving along, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar. I hadn't really thought of that, I thought I was just messed up. But - thinking of it my feelings went from the next song to the other in a heartbeat until I was prescribed with lithium.

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